


Letting Go

by Tashikani



Category: Anime & Manga - Fandom, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Character Death, M/M, Major Character Injury, One Shot, Overdosing, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-27
Updated: 2015-06-27
Packaged: 2018-04-06 12:35:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4221951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tashikani/pseuds/Tashikani
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is an alternative for what could have happened after Chapter 48 of The Intern. After reading it, I wrote what could have occurred, and what would have happened because of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Letting Go

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Intern](https://archiveofourown.org/works/979988) by [Lutte](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lutte/pseuds/Lutte). 



> There is a major trigger warning in this, so if your sensitive to that, please don't read this at all. Plus the angst. Some things that Eren says don't match Lutte's Eren on a basic level, but look at it as Eren trying to get out what he couldn't before, trying to have everyone understand what he wants them to know. After rereading The Intern and looking into the possible deeper meaning of Eren's actions and reactions, I pulled parts of his character out. Anyway, read on (^_^)

_Eren_

It had only been a day.

Just a day since I lost my entire life. Despite how much I didn't want to, I went to stay with Mikasa like he said, but that was all. She was insistent and stubborn, but I still haven't eaten. I still haven't moved. She wasn't here last night. She'd left without saying anything, and she's doing it again tonight. Not that I really minded. I could be alone to wallow and sulk. Sulking was never my thing, but now I have nothing else to do. The thought overtook me before I understood it. _I have nothing else to live for._ It didn't sound like me. Like someone was telling me I didn't have anything else to live for. But do I, really? I have Armin and Mikasa, and that's it. Hanji and Petra must be furious with me, but it's not like I could blame them. Shouldn't Armin and Mikasa be enough? They're my family; I should be content with them... But I don't know how to survive without Levi anymore. That was all the motivation I needed and it shouldn't have been, but it was. I rolled out of bed, shaky on my feet, but walking nonetheless.

I didn't know what to expect in the medicine cabinet that Mikasa had in her bathroom, but a shit ton of pain killers wasn't it. In my state though, which I'm very aware of, I'm glad. Vicodin, OxyContin... and the alcohol she had in the cabinets. It gave me painful nostalgia of Levi, and the sorrow of the reminder filled me. Levi... His face was all I could see. It was making me need this more. 

I sat down on the floor of my room, slumped against the wall with a bottle of what I thought was whiskey in hand. The fire of it licked at the walls of my throat and I appreciated it as I took the first sip. I don't know what the amber liquid is, but it was stronger that what Levi ever gave me, and more than one sip at a time was hard. He'll be so disappointed with me, I know. It was just a stupid lie that started all of this. It was that lie that's brought me to doing this. So it's my fault in the end anyway. How ironic. Levi's words rung in my head, playing over and over again, but I couldn't listen to them. "You're not allowed to get yourself hurt over me. I don't care what we are, Eren. I don't even care if we're over. It doesn't matter if every single thing has fallen apart and I never want to see you again. It doesn't matter what it comes to. I still can't lose you that way." How could I do that? This is the last good thing I could do for him, right? If he never sees me again, if there's no way he could ever see me again, I could keep myself from hurting him again without any chance of him ever running into me. That would be it for me. I pulled my phone off of the nightstand and made a stupid decision. He'll just ignore me, anyway. There's no way he could know what I'm about to do as I swallowed the amber fire after what will be my demise.

_To: Levi_

_I'm so sorry. I don't expect you to forgive me for this, but I love you more than I could say._

I turned my phone off after that. Tears slipped when they weren't allowed to and I angerly wiped them away, taking another swig of what I was sure was whiskey. The razor I had was used. I know why I have it, but I don't understand why I feel the need to use it. I had to consider whether or not I really wanted to try this. I ended up slashing both of my wrists with the force of the pain and the love I felt at the same time, clashing with each other. It was right then that I started writing.

_Levi,_

I'm sorry it's come to this. I'm so sorry. I know you told me not to get myself hurt, but you're my entire life. I can't survive. Without you, I just live, and I can't take that. I was to be alive. I know that you're angry with me beyond comprehension. I know what I did wasn't fair to you. I know that this isn't fair, either, but there isn't a point to anything if you're not in my life. If I could never see you again, I wouldn't be able to handle it, so if that's what you want... this just seems like my best option. I'm not able to go on. I know that this entire thing is selfish of me. It is, but I can't fight anymore. I can't fight to keep going. You are everything, and that includes my strength. Or what was left of it. I know that this is the weak way out, giving up and all. The coward's way. This is stupid, but I'm stupid. I was stupid, I still am stupid. I love you. God, I love you. I love you more than anything. I love you more than I love myself. This isn't your fault. I know you; I know you'll try to blame yourself. Please don't. This was my own fault. I couldn't deal. I didn't understand what it was. It was this feeling that takes over my entire being. I felt it when Mikasa left. When I met you, it wasn't like that anymore. I know it now. It was the want to die. I wanted to die. It's this heavy grief that burns through me, and I felt that way again when you said that we'd ended, that I didn't belong to you anymore... But I do. I will always belong to you. There's no one else. There couldn't be someone else, there never would be, but none of this is your fault. I can't say that enough. It's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault...

It's not your fault, it's mine. I told you... all of this is my fault.

I don't want to not tell you what I'm feeling right now, even though I don't know if you want to hear it. These pills hurt. My chest is tight. I feel nauseous, my hand hurts, my throat burns, and my heart is shredded, but it's not your fault. This is all mine, and honestly I feel like I deserve it. I deserve it for hurting you the way I did, the way I am now, and times before then. I'm sorry, Levi. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...

I'm so sorry that I'm giving up. Never on you. I'm not giving up on you; I'm giving up on myself. I'm also sorry I'm getting blood on this. It's not very clean, sorry. I couldn't help it. I love you. Hate me for this. Really. Hate me. I know you'll blame yourself no matter what I say, so if you're going to hate anyone, please hate me. Just don't hate yourself, okay? I can't take it when your like that, especially knowing that the pain you feel is my fault, but I can't think of anything else to do that will keep me from hurting you ever again. When my Dad tried to kill me, all I could think about were the things that I hadn't told you. This is me telling you everything before I die. I texted you a little while ago. You'll understand it once they find my body. Tell Mikasa I said sorry that she has to find me like this. I would think she'll be the one to find me... I'll tell her, too, but it'll mean something coming from you. I'm sorry. I could say so much more... I love you. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love you, I love you, I love you...

With my entire being, Levi, I love you. Please, one day be happy without me.

                                                                                          I love you with everything.

                                                                                               Goodbye,

_Eren Jaeger_

The alcohol has buzzed my mind and the more I found in Mikasa's cabinet, the less I felt. Gradually, the amount of pills in the bottle lessened and there were more down my throat. I didn't realize I'd had so much to say to Levi until I'd written it out, but it would never be enough. I have to write to everyone who I need to say goodbye to. And I knew that I was running out of time. The doubt that this was what I should be doing ran clear through my mind but it was too late to turn back now.

Right?

_Armin and Mikasa,_

I can't imagine how much this is going to hurt. I'm so sorry. I love you both. I love you more than I can write down. This feeling-this need for release was digging at me for a while, starting when you left, Mikasa, because I couldn't handle it. And what happened between Levi and I... I can't survive without him, and despite having the both of you, it wouldn't be the same; I wouldn't be the same. I appreciate everything you've done for me, and this is my fault. Neither of yours, nor is it Levi's. I can't survive without Levi like I couldn't survive without either of you, which is why I can't keep going. I love you, Armin, Mikasa. I do. I really, really do. You're my family. Please find happiness beyond me. Don't feel as if anything I do is your fault. It's all mine. The fight... it was my fault. It was all my fault. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. Mikasa, you're my sister, and I love you. I'll always love you, even after you left. I forgive you. I'm sorry I never said it, but I forgive you for leaving, and I love you. Armin, I love you. I really do, and I'm sorry. I have to write to both of you at once because I need to be aware of my time-I'm running out of time. I couldn't live without you in my life, and I want to thank you for being there for me when Mikasa left. I know she had to, but I also know that I wouldn't have gotten through it if it weren't for you. I didn't know it then, but I know it now. Thank you. This isn't your fault either. Please don't show this to Levi if you can help it. It's not that I don't want him to know what I'm writing to you, it's not that I don't trust him, it's that I don't want this to cause him pain. I wish I never caused him pain. God, I'm so sorry. Thank you for being there, and for loving me, Armin, Mikasa.

                                                                                                                                                                                     I love you,

_Eren Jaeger_

More pills, more alcohol. My mind was going as I hunched over, coughing and taking more drinks as I was about to write the next one. I needed them to know the last things I had to say. I could feel the tears slipping out and bore my arm and wrote with the razor. It was a stupid thing to do, but it was something I did, nonetheless. The blood oozed in a pattern of the lines that spelled out his name. _Levi._ I love him. I cut around the tattoos. They were too significant to mutilate. 

_Hanji and Petra,_

I'll miss you. Well, I don't think I'll feel anything after all of this takes its toll, but I guess that's the point. Either way, I really consider the both of you my friends. Hanji, your enthusiasm and your optimism is something that I love about you, and something that I admire. Petra, you're a kind person, and you're considerate and understanding and selfless and I envy you for that, because I know I'm being selfless. Please be there for Levi. I know that this will hurt him, but this also means that I can't hurt him anymore. I don't want to cause Levi pain at all, but I can already feel myself slipping and I can't change my mind now. It's too late. I'm sorry. Being honest in the last things I say to you both, I never 100% understood your relationship, but I think I'm okay with that. I don't know what it really is, what you'd define yourselves as together, but I admire it. I get that you might be angry at me for the fight with Levi, and you might not want to hear from me, and that's okay. If you can help it, please don't show this to him. Not because I don't trust him, I just don't want to hurt him anymore. That's the point to what I'm doing. I feel like I deserve this, Hanji, Petra. If you're going to hate me for all of the pain that I've caused Levi, please do it. I understand. I'd hate myself, too. Thank you both for ever being involved in my life.

                                                                                                                                                   I love the both of you,

                                                                                                                                                                 _Eren Jaeger_

Second bottle of alcohol. Second bottle of pills. I was in a cold sweat, and my head was pounding. I felt the unmistakable ache in my chest as Levi's face was still ever so clear in my mind. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, dying with him on my mind. All of the good memories I had of him. I almost didn't want to write the last one. I didn't but I know that I need to finish this. I needed to say this to him, too.

_Erwin,_

I almost didn't write this. I definitely don't want to. I know that you'll hate me for hurting Levi, even when our fight definitely involved you, so nothing I write is going to be unnecessary. I'm doing this because I don't want to ever hurt Levi again. I know he's moved on from you, or at least, he's tried to, but if he begins to lose himself, do something. A sober me probably wouldn't ask for your help, and I don't like to think that I am, but I know you'll protect Levi if he really needs it. I don't like you, and I'm sure that you know that already. I've never really liked you, but in some sense, I do respect you. But not a lot. After this, Armin is going to hurt, too, and he's not going to want to say so. He trusts you, I know. And no, I don't like that he has a thing for you, but if you can make him feel better, then do it. I don't want him to bottle everything up because he doesn't want anyone to worry. I can feel myself dying, and I can't change my mind now, it's too late. I deserve this. I've had this feeling before, but Levi took it away. He makes me happy. I love him. I will always love him, but I can't survive if he's not in my life. I understand now that that's all you wanted. I'm sure that he'd push me away now. He doesn't want me to ever see him again, even though I know this isn't what he meant. This isn't his fault, and I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I really don't like you. Erwin, and I really want to hate you, but I don't think I'd wish this feeling on anyone. Don't let any pain get this far, not Armin's, not Levi's. I can't stand the thought of it. Even if I wanted to stop everything right now, it would be too late. I'm sorry that I may not to have had gone this far. Please don't show this to Levi, if you can help it. It's not that I'm hiding it from him, or that I don't trust him enough, it's that I don't want him to hurt. He doesn't need any other kind of pain. He doesn't deserve it, Erwin. Levi was, and still is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I don't regret anything I felt for him, or anything we went through. I really love him, Erwin, and the only thing I don't want is for him to self-destruct because of what I feel I have I have to do, even if it's not the best way.

                       Goodbye,

                              _Eren Jaeger_

I relaxed against the side of my bed, and chugged down more alcohol. I wanted to turn on my phone again as I heaved for breath, but turning it on would be a bad idea. I held my thumb on the power button. I was immediately greeted with Armin's cheery face as an incoming call. I ignored it and went through my messages. He hadn't said anything; obviously he hadn't figured it out yet. Mikasa and Armin were frantically trying to get in touch with me, but I had no intention to reply. I sighed, a smile almost forming as I turned my phone off again. If Levi called, I know that I wouldn't be able to ignore him. Not that he would. I labeled the letters and looked down at them one more time before the blank ceiling above me. It was almost like I could see the sky... Tears slipped out again and I sobbed, weakly covering my mouth, but there was no reason to hide it. Force of habit, I guess. "Levi." I whispered hoarsely as I closed my eyes. "I love you. Goodbye." The pain was unbearable as it lurched through me, but the only thing, the only person I could think of was Levi and I was okay until I wasn't anything at all.

 

_Levi_

I hadn't moved since last night when I came home from The Wall. Hanji hadn't showed up to make me go today, or tonight, or whatever time it was. My phone wouldn't fucking shut up. I don't care who it is, but they don't seem to realize that I don't want to be disturbed. It vibrated once more and I gave up, hissing in frustration when I dropped the damn piece of technology. Hanji had called me again. Hanji and Petra had both been calling me. The both sounded the same, their voicemails and their messages. "It's Eren" "Come quick" "Pick up your phone" "Something happened to Eren" They were at a hospital close to Mikasa's apartment, and I began to panic, driving too fast as I went, and dialing Hanji. The only time this phone wasn't a liability. She picked up quickly. "What happened?" I questioned her the moment she answered. "You have to get here, Levi. Mikasa found him--he's bad. It's really, really bad." Hanji told me vaguely. I gripped the steering wheel until my knuckles turned white. "But what happened?" I urged, clenching my jaw. Worry was eating at me. If he did something stupid... No matter what that brat does, I'm always going to love him, which was terrifying.  Hanji was hesitating on the other line. "Hanji!" I snapped impatiently. "Just get here." She replied quickly and the line clicked. She hung up. I hit the wheel in frustration and cursed under my breath, shaking my hand out. I may have bruised it. I pulled open my messages and gasped. There was one from Eren. 

From: Eren

_I'm so sorry. I don't expect you to forgive me for this, but I love you more than I could say._

His words dug into me, the double meaning making my stomach turn uncomfortably as I pulled into the hospital parking lot, and dialing Petra this time. She won't delay like Hanji will, and her high voice rung through the speaker after the first ring. "What floor? What building?" I asked, slightly more calm than I had with Hanji. "We're in the ICU, on the 2nd floor." Petra said as I stalked towards where she'd instructed me to go. "Are you going to tell me what that brat did?" I pushed as I entered the building and slipped into the elevator, pushing for the 2nd floor. It was faster than the one at Trost, but I was alone for whatever reason. "When you're here." Petra replied simply before hanging up much like Hanji had. That was becoming irritating.

Hanji, Petra, Armin, and Mikasa were all in a lobby/waiting room that I stepped into out of the elevator. I was going to scream at them. I was going to scream myself hoarse for not just telling me what happened on the phone but... Armin was sobbing into Mikasa who looked as if she'd been crying herself. She was holding onto folded papers tightly and it was crumpled around where she was gripping it. Hanji was holding paper, too. She held multiple sets of folded paper, three, to be exact. I could see the obvious messy pen on it and frowned when I caught sight of the grave expression she wore. Petra was shaking in her seat, holding onto herself and staring blankly at the floor.

Something horrible had happened. Hanji looked like she was in intense pain, and she wasn't bothering to try to hide it. She walked over to where I stood, frozen, taking in the scene, and handed me a bunch of folded paper, much like the others she and Mikasa were holding. They were labeled with a single name in sloppy handwriting that I knew in a way that was painful. " _Levi_ ". I wanted to throw the papers away from me and collapse, but public scenes like that isn’t something that I would reduce myself to. I could feel all of the people in the room staring at me expectantly as I read, sitting down heavily and holding my hand shakily over my mouth. "He... Eren tried to kill himself..." I murmured to no one in particular and looked up at Hanji who was standing. I didn't expect her to sit. I couldn't figure out how to process it. What we went through... I still don't understand why he would resort to this. It's not like him--it doesn't make sense. It's not something that he'd do. Hanji put a reassuring hand on my shoulder. "What did he do?" I asked quietly. I actually don't want to know, but I have nothing else to say. She hesitated. "He was drinking a lot." She began. "He was unconscious when Mikasa found him at her apartment, and I guess he took some pills. The doctor said that he shouldn't still be alive, and they're trying to pump his stomach now. He took some narcotics. Levi, I don't know what happened between you two completely, but he was in pain. And Levi..." She stopped herself and thought before continuing. "He said that he did all of this to keep himself from hurting you anymore." That one hurt. But not as much as it was irritating. He did this entire thing to stop hurting me? He just did the complete opposite! Of course this is my fault! No matter how much he writes that it's "not my fault" it's obviously my fault. I scowled at the feeling of the key in my pocket. I want to let my tears fall and completely give up on holding my composure. To keep himself from hurting me. Hanji explained that as if Eren hadn't already said that in his suicide note. 

"Why is there blood?" I continued to ask, referring to the blood splatter on the pages of Eren's letter. I heard Armin choke as he buried his face further into Mikasa. Obviously he knew why. Hanji bit her lip nervously, the reluctance plain on her face. "He cut his wrists." Mikasa spoke up. "And he carved your name into his arm." She spoke in a cool voice, but not in a hostile way. The pain this entire thing caused me made ending it with Eren seem like nothing and then I thought that there was no pain that could compare. I felt myself sob. He's going to die thinking that I could never trust him again, that I never wanted to see him again. Does he really think that little of me? Does he think at all? It hit me all at once. Eren Jaeger is going to die and it's my fault he tried to do it himself. Mikasa glared at me from where she sat, tear stains clear on her face as she soothed Armin. She looked like she was trying to be furious, but the pain was overpowering any form of anger she could create. I felt pity for her, but it quickly went away when I saw the papers in her hands, clearly labeled in Eren's handwriting " _Armin and Mikasa_ ". I could feel myself struggling not to reach and take them out of her hands. I want to hear more of what Eren had to say, but that would be a cruel thing to do. She and Armin needed his last words just as much I needed them. Hanji was holding more paper than either me or Mikasa, labeled also in Eren's handwriting, " _Petra and Hanji_ ", but there was another that was labeled " _Erwin_ ". It almost made me angry.

"He wrote one to Erwin?" I questioned, scowling with distaste. Hanji frowned. "We haven't read it." She told me quietly. "Why not? Let me--Just let me see it, I'll-" I tried, reaching for the letter. "No!" Hanji exclaimed, stepping away from my outstretched arm. "He doesn't want you to read them." She said in a voice thick with emotion I didn't expect out of her.

What she said shouldn't have been painful, but it was and I kicked myself for it. Eren lied to me. He lied and he had no intention of ever telling me. Rage boiled in the pit of my stomach, but I couldn't sustain it. In fact, I know that even if I can never trust him again, I'll forgive him, even if I don't ever tell him that.

"Eren said that it's not because he doesn't trust you," Mikasa spoke up, still in and icily cold tone. I scoffed. Bullshit. "It's because he doesn't want what he says to us to cause you pain." The way her tone was so monotone, anyone could mistake it as emotionless, but I wasn't stupid enough to fall for that. Everything that brat is doing is causing me pain, and he's stupid to think that this wouldn't hurt me, even though I would never say that out loud. "Why..." Armin's whispery voice cracking drew all of our attention, including the eyes of people across the room. No one deserved to be seen in such a state as Armin was in. I glared at them. "Need something?" I snapped, clenching my jaw. They looked away. Armin was in the worst condition, and I understood why. "Why... would he do that...?" Armin's voice broke on every word as a few more tears slipped out, down his cheeks and he clung to Mikasa again. The key in my pocket was determined to make its presence known as its weight became taunting. I pulled it out, letting the cool metal rest on the palm of my hand.

By the way Mikasa's eyes ignited, I was sure that Eren must have explained, to some extent, what the key meant and that I'd taken it from him. "How could you do that?" Her voice was surprisingly calm. "I understand that what Eren did wasn't right, and taking that key was some sort of finality, and that you've been grieving, too, but how could you break someone like that?" Mikasa's words made me sick. "No wonder Eren resorted to something like this." She obviously didn't mean for me to hear that, but I did and there's nothing that can change it now. Hanji made a soft noise of disapproval which let me know that she'd heard Mikasa, as well. His name was a bullet to my heart. I still wasn't ready to hear it. Despite that, she continued to let out her bitter words. Ones that I knew I deserved. "You don't _deserve_ to be here acting like you _care_." She spat. Armin had looked up from his burial in Mikasa. "It's your fault that he did this in the first place." I'm sure that her anger was just in spite of the moment, and we both knew that she didn't believe her words, either, but knowing that didn't make them hurt any less. Armin had held my gaze that entire time, his big blue eyes that were bloodshot and glazed over. I forgot that they'd ever looked any different and it was heart crushing.

A doctor entered the room, and we weren't the only ones that we're looking at him with pitifully hopeful eyes. "Jaeger?" He called. I stood up without realizing that I had moved. Mikasa and Armin had moved beside me, but I couldn't bring myself to acknowledge them or care. Petra had shifted slightly and Hanji stood near her, rather than with Armin, Mikasa, and I.

"Eren had access to multiple kinds of narcotics that are fatal if you were to take the wrong dosage. With the alcohol that was also involved, it was difficult for us to do anything." He began to say. "We stabilized him temporarily, but his liver has completely shut down and his lungs aren't opening up completely. It's very hard for him to breathe. Because of his mental state, he was placed at the very bottom of the donor list for a new liver. We can't do anything else. It's possible that he may only have a few more hours." I couldn't think straight. I'm going to lose him. Eren's not going to make it out of this. I need Eren; he's my entire life, my home, my heart.

"Can I see him?" I choked out. The doctor nodded. "He's still unconscious, and please only two at a time." Mikasa looked like she was struggling to breathe. "Go, Levi." Armin whispered hoarsely. He drew my attention to him. "Say goodbye." A tear slipped down his cheek and he wiped it away quickly with the bed of his hand. Everyone else fell away as he said that and I nodded curtly, following the doctor down a hall to a small, private room that I'd paid for. It would irritate Eren knowing that I'd spent money on him again, but I couldn't bring myself to care about that. Eren looked small in the bed, covered by the sheets, just as sick as he was. His tan skin paling and the dark bruise-like circles under his eyes pronounced. Somehow, I knew that they were there before he had tried on his life.

"He can hear you, trust me. He knows you're here." The doctor said. "Don't hold anything back. Tell him everything that you never told him before." I watched as the doctor left, slightly appreciative of his words, but not able to care enough as I did about the one who was actually lying in the bed. I sat down beside him. I only then realized that my hands were shaking. I took his hand in both of mine and bowed my head. The tube in his stomach was obvious, and he had more than one IV in his arms, not to mention the air mask, and I knew that he needed it.

"Eren," I croaked. "I got your letter. I thought I told you not to get yourself hurt. I know I said that eventually we'd never see each other again, but this isn't what I meant. You know that, brat. If you'd told me that this is what you were planning to do, I would've gone over there. If you had just told me and now there's nothing I can do..." I punched the bed with one hand as a single tear trickled down my cheek. I inwardly cursed myself for it and brushed it away. "I really hope you can actually hear me, Kid, because I need you to know this. I may not be able to trust you the way I did, but I will always love you no matter what you do. You are the best thing to have ever stepped into my life. Thank you for thinking I was something worth fighting for. I love you, Eren. I love you. I love you, and I forgive you for the lie-I'm so sorry I..." I stopped covering my mouth with my hand as tears slipped out. I was losing him. I held Eren's hand tightly, sobs racking through me. I shut my eyes tightly, struggling to regain my speech.

"Levi...?"

His voice was hoarse like Armin's, his eyes opening slowly. I couldn't form any words. "Levi." He said it with finality, confirming that I was here. My name on his tongue was a lulling sound that ripped apart my insides. "Hey, kid." I replied. My voice broke and I smiled just a little. His eyes stunned me. It was like I was seeing them for the first time. He looked sad... so sad... I felt more tears slip out and cursed. He doesn't need to see me like this. His words were broken. "Why am I alive? I should be dead, I shouldn't... Why are you here? Don't you hate me?" He went on. "You won't be alive for long, brat." I snapped in a thick voice. "And I could never hate you. I could never really hate you." Eren's eyes widened, glistening with tears.

"Not for long...?" I held his hand tightly. "Everything that you took... it's working in the way you wanted it to. You'll only be here a while longer." I explained to him quietly. The emotion in his eyes killed me. "I'm sorry, Levi. I didn't want to hurt you, I wanted to stop completely. I don't want to hurt you anymore. I don't want to ever hurt you, but this has just made it worse because I don't want to die anymore!" Eren shouted in a thick voice, panting as he sobbed, obviously trying to take deep breaths. "I don't want to die anymore, Levi. Not if you look like this and it hasn't even happened yet. I don't want to die, please, I'm sorry..." Eren's tears spilled over in rivers, his shining eyes matching mine. "I love you, Eren." I whispered. "Did you mean what you said?" Eren asked suddenly. I gave him a look to elaborate further. "I could hear you." I chuckled humorlessly. "Of course." I replied. "You know, if you hadn't done this, we wouldn't be talking. If you had moved on like I wanted you to, we wouldn't be here right now." I went on. Eren nodded.

"I know. But now we have to say goodbye, right?" The word struck me physically. I recoiled against it. I'm not willing to leave. I don't want to waste a second away from Eren. Not now that I'm going to lose him. I removed his air mask cautiously, and replaced it with my own lips, covering his. His fingers found their way weakly into my hair, holding on as tightly as he could manage. His physical state terrified me. I love him. Our kiss was brief and the mask was over his face again before I would have liked, but he took deep breaths like he was deprived. "You wouldn't be doing any of this if I wasn't dying." Eren repeated, holding the mask on his face. "So I'm sorry for the lie. You didn't deserve that." He said, a weak smile forming on his face, but it fell too quickly as he looked away from me. "I don't deserve you." He said it so quietly I wasn't sure if I'd heard him correctly. I felt more tears. Stupid tears. "Thank you, Eren. I love you. You deserve the world; I'm the one that's bad for you, not the other way around. Just look at what I did." I countered, brushing my thumb over Eren's cheek softly. He scowled at me. "It's not your fault, Levi. I already told you that. It's my fault. I was like this before; you're the one that helped me. I love you, okay?" Eren reassured me, smiling though his lips cracked. I tried to smile back. "I want everyone to help you move on, okay? Listen to them, please." Eren added. "I know you won't want their help after I die, but I want you to try." I sighed shakily and nodded. "I'll do it for you. But don't talk about you dying as something simple. It's not simple." I told him sternly. "I have to leave in a minute, but I'll be back. Armin, Mikasa, Hanji, and Petra are here, too."

Eren nodded, his face twisting in an unpleasant manner. I almost smiled a little. "In case... this is the last time I'm able to see you..." I began. "Eren Jaeger, I love you. I love you with everything I have and all that the shit we went through was worth it because I got to know you. I can't tell you how grateful I am that you let me stay with you. I don't deserve you, Eren, and you are by far the best thing that has ever happened to me." I searched Eren's eyes through his tears, and then put the key on his chest.

"Your key." He murmured. "My heart." I corrected him. Eren touched the key, as if to remind himself that it was really there. His tears never stopped. "I'm sorry, Levi." He spoke quietly, his voice still hoarse. He seemed tired. "I'm still sorry about the lie, even though my apology can't do anything now. I'm sorry for everything I did to hurt you. I still feel like I don't deserve you, no matter how many times you say that it's the other way around. But I love you, too. More than myself." Eren held onto the key as he spoke. I cocked an eyebrow and Eren shivered. I immediately was at his side, holding him. "Everything?" I pressed. "For the lie, for leaving you on the curb, for Paris. For any time I've ever hurt you because you don't deserve it and I would fight for us." Eren went on, holding my eyes. "I know." I squeezed his hand reassuringly as I finally stood up.

He would be fine when I came back in. He would be alive and he'd smile in that broken way like I'm the only person he wanted to see, the only thing that mattered. "I'll be back, okay? Promise." I told him calmly. Mentally, a shit storm was going on.

"Goodbye, Eren. I love you." I finished, stepping into the hall reluctantly. I couldn't get out without hearing him still in that bed, calling after me, obviously trying to get me to come back. However optimistic I can try to fool myself into being, both of us knew that it could be the last time that we'd ever see each other, and I had to run to keep myself from breaking down completely beside him.

All I could hear was deafening noise. Screaming. I didn’t realize that it was my own.

Mikasa was in Eren’s room when I walked past it. They were talking seriously by what I saw, but his eyes snapped to mine when he saw I walked by. I had to keep walking, right? Of course that’s the right thing to do. Armin stood up when I walked back over to where Hanji and Petra were sitting. “I called Erwin.” He said softly. He was waiting expectantly for me.

“Why?” Was all I could muster up in response. It’s hard to get mad at Armin, especially when he looks the way he does. “Eren wrote to him for a reason, maybe he should be here…” Armin reasoned. I frowned. “You could’ve just asked him yourself instead of calling Erwin.” I offered, although we both knew that Mikasa deserved her time with Eren alone just as much as I did, and just as much as Armin still does. Just as much as all of the people that he knew in this goddamn depressing waiting room-lobby shit place.

“I’m going to go see Eren now.” Armin muttered. He bowed his head and went off in the direction I had come from. I looked up at the wall of muscle that Armin must have run from. Why he did, I decided against questioning. At least for the time being.

“I know that Armin called you, but why did he say that you _really_ need to be here?” I hissed, scowling at him and crossing my arms. Erwin gave me a pitiful look and that only made my agitation worse. “Just to get straight to the point, I’d like to read whatever Eren had intended to leave for me.” Erwin stated in a hushed voice. Hanji’s face was closed off as she handed Erwin the papers folded together with Erwin’s name written sloppily on the pages.

“I don’t know what he wrote to anyone else but me. Apparently whatever is in there is between the two of you.” I didn’t bother hiding the distaste from him. He knows all too well how much I’d rather that he wasn’t here. Erwin sat as he read whatever Eren wrote to him, his eyebrows furrowed as he did, but he looked… amused. It made my blood boil.

“You have nothing to worry about.” He mused, his lips twitching upwards. “All he talked about was you. You and Armin, but his focus was clearly you. Although he did ask me not to share what else was spoken about within the letter, or allow you to read it willingly.” I rolled my eyes. “Figures.”

Mikasa came down the hall holding herself. She sat down in the nearest chair, acknowledging Erwin with a pointed look, but nothing more. “What’s Eren’s condition?” Erwin made the question sound more like some kind of order. He spoke in a quick tone, but hard with urgency as if Eren’s health was his real concern.

“He’s not going to make it to the end of the day.” I spit, avoiding eye contact. Erwin’s eyes were burning into me. He wanted me to look at him. “Armin’s in there, so if the two of you aren’t in a good place in your relationship, then you need to wait out here. If Armin freaks out, Eren will know and he’ll worry over it.” I explained as I sat next to Hanji, bouncing my leg impatiently. Erwin nodded and waltzed down the hall from where Mikasa had just come and where Armin had gone. I waited, and Armin came down the hall minutes later. He wasn’t acting distressed like I’d expected, although that was a good sign.

He sat down silently next to Mikasa and fumbled with the edge of his shirt, but never said anything.

It was too long that Erwin was with Eren, but I don’t think that anyone could tell Erwin to get out. I don’t think that anyone wanted to move. I couldn’t. I couldn’t remember how to. I’m losing too many basic functions. It’s _Eren_. It’s all Eren. I’m losing another person that I love, someone who I’ve never been able to love this much before, to suicide. I can’t mourn over him. I won’t ever be able to move on. I have no idea what I’ll do.

I had to sit for at least another hour after Erwin left to go and see Eren again. Hanji and Petra wanted to see him. Armin and Mikasa still did. They’re his family; they deserve to spend this time with him. Even with that, I was impatient and anxious. Armin was the last one out and he motioned for me to go back in there, offering me a small smile. “He wants to see you again.” He told me. I felt shaky as I walked, and was relieved to be able to sit again in the chair beside Eren’s bed. He was laid flat on the bed, breathing slowly. I could see the obvious inhale and exhale as his chest moved. He most definitely didn’t realize that I’d gotten here. I moved to sit on the bed and took his hand, making him release the bed sheets that he was hanging onto.

“You look exhausted.” I heard him say. His voice was hoarse and breathy all at the same time. I shrugged, looking up to meet his eyes. “So do you.” I replied. He smiled and his lips cracked, bleeding only a little bit. “It’s okay, though, I have a reason to look like this. And I did this to myself. You--” He stopped by the expression change I know he saw. Why bother to hide it? “Stop talking like that.” I said quietly.

“Stop talking like what, Levi? Like I’m going to die? Like it’s my fault? Well, guess what it i--”

“No. Not like that; like you hate yourself.” I began, looking down and our hands. “Stop talking like you hate yourself and like you deserve this. You don’t deserve to die, Eren.” He looked away from me as he spoke; out the window. “But I do. I do hate myself.” Eren stated in a low voice. He looked ashamed. “And I do deserve this.”

The pain in his voice alone struck me. I moved closer, slipping under the sheets next to him, and holding him loosely.

“When I was writing to Hanji, Petra, and Erwin, I could feel myself slipping.” He began, resting his head on my shoulder. “I didn’t want to die anymore. Not without a proper goodbye, but not at all, really. I wanted to stay, but…” He bit his lip hard and sobbed, burying his face in my neck and holding me close to him. I frowned. “I understand.” Was all I said to assure him, but I didn’t understand. I don’t think I could ever understand.

“And, Levi, about the lie…” Eren began. The way he said it made me sure that he was walking on eggshells. “Fuck the lie,” I snapped in a harsher tone than I needed to be in. Eren’s eyes were wide. I sighed and continued, “Look, I get that I shouldn’t have held onto my anger the way that I did, but it wasn’t the lie itself that I was upset about.” I explained to Eren. “It was the fact that you were never going to tell me. That you were going to die with it. And to be honest, I don’t know if I could trust you after that. I don’t know if I’m capable of that, and I’m sorry for that, but I do forgive you.”

He held the key tightly in his hand, shoulders shaking. “I’m sorry I ever took that from you.”

Eren looked up to meet my eyes and lifted a gentle hand to my cheek. He looked as if he was thinking too much. About nothing that mattered as much as the fact that he was in this bed. He looked as if he understood something, but whatever it was I don’t think I could find it in me to care as much.

“I know why you had to do it.” He shrugged, and his eyes returned to the key. “And I get that you needed your revenge in that moment. I mean, you never really got it with Erwin, and after I lied to you about everything… well, I can understand why you would want to hurt me over it. And--”

“Wait, what?’ I cut him off. How could he possibly think that? That I would hurt him on purpose? Never. I would never do that why would he even consider that? I sat up in the bed, letting Eren’s hand fall back to his side. He met my eyes and frowned slightly. Did he not get it?

“I said that I--”

“No, I know what you said.” I shook my head and then grabbed his shoulder, pulling him forward until he was practically in his lap. With nowhere else to look but my eyes. “You think I hurt you on purpose?”

He looked confused. “Why else would you take the key from me?” Well now I see what he’s thinking, even though it was very wrong.

“Because it was the only way to show you that I was actually done. That we were over.” I searched his eyes for a moment, and tilted my head to the side. I smirked slightly. “I mean, come on, kid. I know you. You would have been pounding at my door five minutes later if I didn’t try to convince you. And would you have really believed that I was serious if I left the key with you?”

He opened his mouth to say something but closed it just as quickly, frowning. “No, it didn’t seem real until then. I think that’s why it hurt so much.”

“I know it did.” I muttered, the smile vanishing. “And trust me, that’s not what I wanted. I was just trying to make a clean break for the both of us, and that was the only way it was possible. It had nothing to do with revenge or hurting you.”

His fingers closed around the key once more and he looked down. “I thought that was what you needed.”

“No,” I shook my head slowly and then brushed my fingers along his jaw, angling his head until I was staring into his eyes again. “Eren, your pain is something I would never want to see, for any reason. And I swear, I would never intentionally hurt you. Mentally, physically, or emotionally.”

I paused for a moment and then closed my hand around his, the two of us holding the key together. “This was the most important thing in my life before you, Eren. And I would never give it to someone that I was willing to hurt.”

His hand flexed under mine and my fingers parted to intertwine with his. I knew exactly what he was looking for. “I wouldn’t have blamed you if you wanted to hurt me over that.”

“I would,” I shrugged, my thumb brushing slowly against mine. “Being angry with someone is no excuse to hurt them. And I’m sorry that you thought that I was trying to hurt you with that.”

“It’s done now.” Eren glanced down at our hands as if seeing if seeing them would solidify the statement. “You gave the key back to me, and it doesn’t hurt anymore. So there’s really no point in talking about it. It’s the past.”

“It’s the past,” I repeated, my hand leaving his to touch his chin. Keeping his eyes focused on mine. “And we needed to talk about it. There could be more. I could say more, but…” I looked away. “But now there’s no point.”

We didn’t speak for a little while, but the silence was comfortable like it usually is between us as Eren laid next to me. “When my dad… I mean—when Grisha tried to kill me,” Eren began. “I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to tell you how I really felt. I was afraid that you wouldn’t know that you were loved but there are so many other things that I wanted to be able to say to you before I died there, because I didn’t expect to make it out. It’s like that now, I guess. There’s so much I need to say but I don’t have the time to say it.” He had his eyes closed the entire time he spoke, and he held my hand tightly. “Before I fall asleep, in case I don’t wake up, Levi, I’m sorry.” His heart monitor sped up and I scowled at the noise.. “For what?” I pushed. “For causing you pain. I know I already apologized, but I’m… I’m so sorry.”

I brushed my lips against his temple and smiled just the slightest bit. “It’s okay, Eren. I already told you that I forgive you.” I replied softly. His heart monitor slowed to a steadier pace as he smiled again, cracking his lip again in the same place.

“I love you, Levi.” Eren said.

“I love you, Eren. It’s okay to sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up.”

He nodded slightly and his breathing slowed to a steadier pace compared to the erratic one that was making it hard for him to speak. He was definitely asleep. I brushed away the hair from his forehead. He really had grown it out long--just because I said so. The song had just been there when I looked at Eren in my arms. It was clear on his face that he was dying, and if not his face, then everything else. His normally tan self was paler than it was earlier and his eyes were unsettling.

The song was painfully appropriate, and I sang it to the person I love as he slept the rest of his life away.

_À la claire fontaine M'en allant promener, J'ai trouvé l'eau si belle, Que je m'y suis baigné. Il y’a longtemps que je t'aime, Jamais je ne t'oublierai._

I was losing the one I love without warning, and there was nothing I could do. A hollow emptiness started to eat at the remains in my chest and threatened to consume me whole. And in this moment I wanted it to, if it meant that the pain would stop. But it didn’t. Somehow, just laying here with Eren had made it worse. I caught myself feeling everything and nothing at all, and there was nothing I could do to change it. Being away from him willingly was a pain I’d learned to control, but knowing I wouldn’t ever be able to see him again after this... It was unfamiliar, and it was killing me. Driving me fucking insane.

_Sous les feuilles d'un chêne, Je me suis fait sécher. Sur la plus haute branche, Un rossignol chantait. Il y’a longtemps que je t'aime, Jamais je ne t'oublierai._

All of this because I’d been too concerned with a lie that shouldn’t have mattered nearly as much as it did. Although that was wasn’t to say he wasn’t wrong, too. We’d both had a hand in fucking everything up, and I wasn’t the only one to blame for that. I’d given the kid plenty of chances, begged him even, but none of it had been enough to pull the truth past his lips. And part of me still wanted to hate him for it, because this could have all been so simple, so avoidable, if he would have just been honest at me. Not that it mattered now. I couldn’t bring myself to give two shits about the lie when it caused this much pain to the both of us.

When it meant I was losing him.

_Chante rossignol, chante, Toi qui as le cœur gai. Tu as le cœur à rire, Moi je l'ai à pleurer. Il y’a longtemps que je t'aime, Jamais je ne t'oublierai._

I’d only wanted to learn this song at the time because my mother’s voice had cracked and ached with every syllable. And I’d wanted to feel that same emotion, but I hadn’t been able to put it into the song the way she did. It had always been lacking. It never sounded like hers, but it couldn’t back then. I had never lost someone in the way that she had until today. I was losing him now. I was sure that she had lost someone now, even if I hadn’t known it then. She’d never spoke a word of another love in her life, but as the words moved through me in the same way they’d gone through her, I knew. She’d lost someone. Someone who had mattered more to her than my father ever could. Someone who would have changed everything for us, if she had been able to hold onto them. And although she loved me and the life she had, I knew now that she had always ached for the one she’d lost.

The one she could never have.

And I knew exactly how she felt now.

The one thing I had hoped for as a child was to understand this song and the way it made her feel, and now it was the only thing I didn’t want. No matter how close it brought me to her, it wasn’t worth this pain. And yet the pain was all I could feel, surrounding me now in more than just words. Because it had always been there, hiding in the soft, gentle sound of her voice. But in those moments it had never been mine.

Not as it was now.

And now it was the only thing I didn’t want. No matter how close it brought me to her, it wasn’t worth this pain. And yet the pain was all I could feel. Twisting around the emptiness that seemed determined to stay and mingling with the one thought that wanted to consume me.

This was my fault.

_J'ai perdu mon amie, Sans l'avoir mérité. Pour un bouquet de roses, Que je lui refusai. Il y’a longtemps que je t'aime, Jamais je ne t'oublierai._

I’d allowed my dark thoughts to tear apart everything that mattered to me. I’d told myself, convinced myself, that I didn’t deserve him or the life we’d had together. I’d truly believed that he would have been happier with someone who wouldn’t slowly destroy him in the ways I was sure I would have if he wasn’t being forced out of my life forever. When I would have done nothing but love him. Because pain was something I couldn’t bear to see in his eyes, and something I would never willingly or intentionally put there.

No matter how much I tried to convince myself otherwise.

And I knew that now, even if it didn’t help.

I had hurt him in the end, and it was mostly because I’d been unwilling to trust myself. I’d stayed away from him when I should have done the opposite.

And now I had no choice but to do the one thing I didn’t want to do.

I had to let him go because he was dying.

_Je voudrais que la rose Fût encore au rosier, Et que ma douce amie Fût encore à m'aimer. _Il y’a longtemps que je t'aime, Jamais je ne t'oublierai._  
_

The words tore through my mind as the line of the song drew out of my throat in a sound that was hauntingly broken. And I knew I was breaking with it. Because I didn’t want to let him go. I didn’t want to learn how to survive without him now that I’d had him in my life. It had been different before, when the darkness was familiar and all I’d known. But when he stepped into my life, he brought in a light that showed me the world I was living in. And at first it was confusing. And I wasn’t sure I wanted it, because I’d gotten used to feeling around for things in the dark.

But everything was so much easier once I could see. I started to love life in a world I was sure I hated.

And I didn’t want to lose that now. I was scared I wouldn’t be able to find anything once the darkness returned. I’d never bothered to remember where everything was, because I’d gotten so used to living in a world where I didn’t need to worry about things like that anymore.

But I had to worry about it now.

Because I had lost him.

And the light was going out.

Eren’s face was distorted; his eyebrows furrowed, angry lines on his forehead and a lone tear slipped down his cheek so fast if I wasn’t already looking at him when it happened I wouldn’t have known it did. I kissed the top of his head softly, holding in sobs as I cried over him, hugging in close to my chest. My entire body was shaking with the force of my breakdown. We both knew it was the end. Everything sounded too far away, all I knew was that I was being pulled away from my heart. I was fighting tooth and nail against whoever was trying to take me away. Eren was obviously awake as he struggled to breathe. I knew he was exhausted already since he woke up, but he was still fighting to stay awake and speak. “Levi…!” He yelled as loudly as he could manage. His voice was raspy still, and he was trying to breathe.

“Please don’t make me leave,” he gasped with wide eyes as he reached out for me before letting his arm fall limp. “Please don’t make me leave, I love being here I don’t want to leave, please… Please don’t make me leave.”

The heart monitor was beeping erratically but the sound amounted to nothing as Eren held my gaze while he spoke, struggling to breathe. “Please… don’t make me leave… L…evi…”

“Eren.” I said his name quietly, but I knew it had reached him. His eyelids fluttered and the smallest hint of a smile formed on his lips before I watched as his eyes rolled into the back of his head. His chest was still rising and falling but in a way that couldn’t have been a good thing. The constant beep of the monitor was a haunting sound that filled my ears. I couldn’t hear anything else as Eren’s chest slowly stilled. The doctor’s stepped away from him, and whoever was holding me back had let go. Immediately my knees gave out and I fell, feeling my knees hit the floor with a thud that would keep me off of them for some time while staring at the body of the man that I love. His words repeated themselves over and over again like some sickening mantra and I felt empty.

I’d lost him.

Eren had just died in front of me and it was my fault. No matter what he said or how many times he said that it isn’t, I know it is.

_Il y’a longtemps que je t'aime Jamais je ne t'oublierai_

Eren Jaeger died on February 12, 2014 of a drug overdose and ultimately respiratory arrest. He stopped breathing. Until his lungs gave out, he was conscious and apparently if he hadn’t said anything he might have had another minute without using all of his air.

I can’t handle being without him. I didn’t stop crying. I couldn’t stop crying and sleep was impossible without him. I don’t remember the details from the few weeks after he died. All I remember was the excruciating pain of not seeing him; not being near him. Hanji, Petra, and even Mikasa and Armin occupied most of my time. Occasionally I had to deal with Erwin, especially right after Eren died.

He made me read Eren’s letter to him and everything became a hell of a lot harder, though I know that wasn’t his intention. I’ll never let Eren go.

Eren was my entire existence; the one I was meant for, and I’ll never move on from him. They would never admit it out loud, but I wasn’t allowed alone for long periods of time because my friends were afraid I would do the same thing that Eren did. They thought I would kill myself, too. Especially Armin and Mikasa, but I suppose it was a reasonable thought. Although I did wish they wouldn’t think so little of me.

I was probably going to do it. After Eren died, when my pain was at its worst, I might have, but I can’t do that. I have to live since Eren couldn’t, right? Or does that mean I should give up?

Since he couldn’t live for himself. I’ll love him for the rest of my life, and he’ll always be the first one in my heart.

_So long I’ve been loving you,_

_I will never forget you_

* * *

 

When I first wrote this, it was done differently. Instead of Eren taking the pills at Mikasa's apartment, it was outside of Trost, but Mikasa was still the one to find Eren. Also, originally, Eren was supposed to OD on a whim after he left Survey Corp right after his and Levi's fight, instead of later like it is now, which is also why he's at Mikasa's apartment instead of Trost. What he ODed on was different, too. Eren was supposed to OD on Tylenol, but I had the dosage wrong and narcotics were more ideal. But he was still supposed to survive it like he did. I also added in Erwin being there because in the original, he didn’t find out about Eren until after he died. Also, Eren’s last words, when he was suffocating and he had said “Please don’t make me leave. Please don’t make me leave I love being here please don’t make me leave” that was a reference to what Mr. Vincent Nigel Murray said before he died from a gunshot wound, and I figured it still applied because Eren was dying.. I used parts from The Intern that Lutte used from after Chapter 48, and tweaked them so they fit the situation, and I’m kind of proud about how it came out. Plus, I still wanted to use A La Claire Fontaine since the song was originally used for Levi letting Eren go… I used it as Levi’s way to acknowledge how he was losing Eren against his own will and without Eren wanting to go, either. This was a very unsympathetic note for a very emotional one-shot, gomennasai >~<


End file.
